Hi everyone,
Well first of all I want to say thank you to those who have sent me their prayers and for their kind words - JoAnn S. - precious 8181 - truckincowgirl - Computer Nut. Thank you for giving me hope and encouragement!
In the recent past days, I have been in such a state of paranoia that it truly scares me. And as always - it links back to the domestic violence that I went through. I still have the nightmares and today's was just awful. I usually get home around 3.30 am and I will change clothes and watch TV for about 1/2 hr so that I can unwind and go to sleep. Well, this morning I just could not go to sleep. By the time I knew it, I could hear the neighbors getting ready for work and I looked at the time and it was past 7am. Recently, I have been having such a hard time falling asleep. And when I do - it seems I just bypass everything and head directly to my worst nightmare. It must have been after 9am when I feel asleep because the last thing I remember I was watching Regis and Kelly on TV. My dream started off kind of weird because I was in my bathroom having a conversation with my mom who was taking a bath. (now that's out of the norm!) I kept seeing that she had this blank look on her face like when you are saying something not nice about someone and that person is behind you and the person you are talking with is giving you that look - well that's what she was doing in my dream. I couldn't understand why but then all of sudden I felt someone behind me - it was him. He grabbed my hair and he had this huge knife that he held against my throat. I know I that I kept pleading for my life but he didn't give d@mn. I don't think I felt pain but instead I felt that I could not breath. I was crying so bad because all I could think of was my kids. 
I starting gasping for air and I could feel my blood was suffocating me as I tried to breath. Just then - I awoke from my dream and I just starting crying. My throat was so tight that I had to calm myself down in order to breath and was relieved for a second that it was just a dream. I went to the bathroom to wash my face because I must have been crying in my sleep as well because my eyes looked like I had been crying for hours. I am desperate to break away from these horrible dreams that seem so real. I don't know what to do or where to go. I am not even sure what to call these episodes that I am going through. I am constantly worn out from the lack of sleep because I am just too afraid to fall asleep. I am sorry if I have bored you to death with my problem but this is the only place where I can come and unload myself from these horrible thoughts that torment me on a daily basis. I know that my problem doesn't compare to the many on here that have more serious issues but I hope that you may understand how terrible domestic violence really is. I think it was yesterday that I read a story on Yahoo news about the ex-husband who killed his ex-wife as she was coming out of Sears at the mall. Hearing these stories just makes me more vulnerable to the haunting dreams that I keep having. I guess such is life and we each have our own battles to fight. :-(
I guess tomorrow is another day, another day that I get to spend with my kids. 
I might just take them to the beach and enjoy a family outing with my precious kids.
take care!
~MowWow
